Part 1 of 4: How Does One Live a Pain-Free Life? (Life Before Freedom Session)

To be honest, I don't have a complete answer to the question, "how does one live a pain-free life?".

But I do know how one makes a mess of trying to avoid pain.

In my life I have experienced great pain and deep hurts. (If you haven't experienced these things, please tell me your secret!) I know what it feels like to be betrayed, abandoned, rejected, offended, belittled, disappointed. I'm sure you know that pain too. I remember the first time I had my heart broken. I felt it literally stop beating and for that split second I wondered if I might just die right there on the spot.

You know what the killer is though? Worse than the pain of heartbreak? It's that silent vow I made to myself that I would never let another person hurt me like that again. From that moment on, every decision, behavior, and relationship would stem from that vow that I wasn't even consciously aware I had made. That is a dangerous place to live from.

Pain is a funny thing. It is completely subjective. It all depends on how we interpret and internalize the events that determines how much pain we feel. If it hurts you, it's important. It is not something to be pushed to the side.

But who wants to think about that pain? Who actually wants to remember it, to feel it, to be stuck on it? Certainly not me.

For years I did many things to help me deal with the issues in my life, because I didn't want to be a "terrible person" who had a lot of problems. I tried to devote everything in my life to God, I did Bible studies, and I prayed a lot. I wanted God to just take everything bad away, help me forget it all. But if I was honest with myself, despite trying to follow God, I still did whatever I could to avoid feeling pain.

Trying harder. Being better. Not letting anything get to me. Being stronger. Controlling more. Avoiding. Suppressing.

I remember when my parents' divorce was finalized. I was looking forward to that day because that would be the end of a painful period in my life, and now everyone could move on. We would all have closure. That evening however, as I sat amidst loved friends doing a Bible study, I was the farthest thing from happy. I was overwhelmed with sadness and caught completely off guard.

It could have been so simple: tell the nice friends around me that I am sad and they can pray for me and be there for me. But to me it was not that simple. To me, I would do anything before I would feel that pain, let alone allow everyone else to see that I was in pain. My parents had separated years before, shouldn't I be over this by now???

I couldn't pay attention to what we were talking about because the only thing consuming my mind was that my parents' marriage was officially over. I had to get out of there, make the emotions stop. I went into the kitchen and frantically started emptying the dishwasher.

Emptying the dishwasher is not a bad thing; in fact, it is a very good and necessary thing. BUT, when emptying the dishwasher becomes a distraction allowing someone to suppress their pain and avoid feeling, it can be a bad thing in that moment.

This is only one example of the many times I stuffed my emotions down and pushed the thoughts from my mind. But as time went on, I noticed bursts of anger, bitter feelings, unhealthy thoughts, even mean behaviors that I couldn't control.

I knew something had to change.