Part 4 of 4: Ending the Crazy Cycle (Why YOU Should do Freedom Session)

Remember the crazy cycle from Part 2?

Experience hurt --> withdraw --> hurt others

Over and over again.

If we could do something to stop this cycle and regain the ability to have full, healthy, trusting relationships, would we not want to do so? If we could deal with the pain in our lives so we didn’t have to turn to our drug(s) of choice, wouldn’t we want to? If we could have control over our words, actions and behaviors (with God’s help) wouldn’t we choose that over being a slave to our bad habits?

Jesus said in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Satan’s whole purpose is to “steal and kill and destroy”. Steal from us. Kill us. Destroy us. But God sent His son Jesus to do just the opposite: to give us LIFE, and LIFE TO THE FULL.  Jesus is offering us the best life, the fullest life, the most abundant life.  It’s not just life after death; it’s life here on Earth too.

What is getting in the way from us grabbing hold of that abundant life?? We are trying to do it all on our own, without God’s help. WE are getting in the way of an abundant life.

Becoming a Christian (accepting that Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for my sins and choosing to surrender my life to Him as my Lord) is not the end goal. It is only the beginning.

Jesus wants to do so much in our hearts and through our lives here on Earth, but we have to let Him. We have to surrender over and over again, allowing Him full access to every corner of our hearts and minds. If we choose to stay in the crazy cycle and avoid our pain, we are keeping those parts of our lives from God.

By doing things God’s way, I learned how to have peace with relationships in my life. Not every relationship is smooth; in fact some are painful and complicated. But God doesn’t ask us to have everything figured out. He asks us to forgive people for their parts, and take responsibility for our own parts. I can tell you first hand that it’s worth it doing things God’s way.

Moving forward from Freedom Session means that I still have work to do because I have ongoing relationships with people. And I will for the rest of my life! I will still struggle, hurt others, be hurt, and face pain. But I have the greatest helper, and I know who I am in Christ. I will face things as they come and trust God to help me in my (many) weaknesses.

Only God can help me to love and trust fully. People will always let us down, but God never will. That doesn’t mean that we decide to not trust people because they will inevitably hurt us. It means that we let God heal our hurts and put our trust in Him so we can show others unconditional love. 

I simply need to look at my kids to see the joy they have for life. Children are so happy, so unburdened by worry. Everything is exciting: eating their peas, helping fold the laundry, or seeing their mama after a nap.

When I look at them, I want what they have. I want a full life.

Jesus is waiting, arm outstretched, hand open, holding everything we need for a full life. All we need to do is take it; choose God’s way.

Will you choose it?

Part 3 of 4: The Path to Freedom (What is Freedom Session?)

Tornadoes are scary.

When I was little, I went through a phase where I was afraid of tornadoes. Growing up in North Bay, Ontario meant that the chances of a tornado touching down near me were very slim.  Yet, that didn’t stop me from having nightmares about tornadoes touching down and destroying my family and my home.

The culprit of this fear was the Wizard of Oz. We all know the story: Dorothy and her dog Toto are sucked up into the tornado (along with their house), and deposited in the Land of Oz.

We can imagine our pain and problems like a tornado that follows us around. However, the tornado doesn’t start off like a giant whirling, destructive funnel; it starts out as a cloud. It could be bitterness, holding a grudge, unforgiveness, or a small rejection that forms a cloud in our lives. We hold onto that pain and that anger or hurt and we keep it buried inside. As time goes on, the cloud grows bigger. Darker. Less manageable.

Life circumstances happen, bad relationships happen, people hurt us, and life throws us around. Soon, that cloud becomes a tornado, growing bigger and stronger as time goes on.

So we run. We avoid. We deflect. We move. We make a change. We will do anything to stay away from that scary tornado. But the tornado doesn’t leave us alone, and it doesn’t go away. We can try and put as much distance between the tornado, and ourselves as we can but it will never stop following us.

We feel frustrated and defeated that we can’t escape, and we are terrified because being engulfed by the tornado would be too much to bear. This is exactly where satan wants to keep us. Trapped.

Freedom Session is like the path THROUGH the tornado. It is the path through the pain, feeling the pain, and coming out on the other side leaving the pain where it is, for good.

The only way to make the tornado go away completely is to face it, to deal with all of the swirling mess.

How?

With the help of our God who is bigger than the tornado, by our side every second and every step.

Freedom Session is a 12-step program that takes you back to the beginning, when the hurt and pain started in your life. It helps you to get out of denial, remove the sunglasses, and see how much of a mess your life is without God. It helps you acknowledge the pain, feel the pain, and express the pain. It teaches you to label your feelings and take ownership of your part in everything that has happened to you.

Freedom Session leads you to forgive others and own your mistakes and shortcomings. It helps you to make things right with people so you can have the peace you so desperately long for. It helps you see yourself as God sees you, loved, cleansed and forgiven.

Facing the tornadoes in our lives seems terrifying, but I can tell you that God will be there. He will be with you as you prepare, and He will be with you in the middle of that tornado. It is not too much for Him, and it is not too much for you, with His help. As you pour out your heart to God, He will give you His peace that is stronger than your pain.

Freedom Session isn’t fun and isn’t easy, but it is WORTH IT. God’s way is the ONLY way to have peace.  

Freedom Session reflects God’s heart for us. The program is 20 weeks long (new and improved this year!), which allows God to slowly and gently take us down the path that leads to freedom. 

God isn’t mean, He’s not out to destroy us and humiliate us. God loves us and He is good. He has our best interest at heart, and the path He will take us on is the best way for us to live.

Part 2 of 4: Life-Changing Take-Aways (What I Learned from Freedom Session)

Next week I will finally explain what the program “Freedom Session” is in more detail, but for now, here is the best part.

Have you ever been in denial? What about being in so much denial that you don't even know you are in denial? Welcome to my life :)

This is the first and biggest thing I learned from Freedom Session. I was in so much denial that it took me till the end of the program to continue getting out of denial. I’m still not done.  I was so wrapped up in being the victim. Yes, I have been hurt by people, (see Part 1), but that is where I pitched my tent. I was in denial about the fact that as I was being hurt, I was also hurting others.

How was I hurting others without being aware of it?

I was a young teenager. I experienced big changes in family dynamics, living situations, and people in and out of my life.

Any change involves some amount of pain: Losing weight involves the physical pain of exercising. Developing the healthy habit of patience involves a number of excruciating circumstances in which your patience is tested. Moving across the country involves the pain of initial loneliness.

Because the changes in my life were painful, and involved my family, I associated the pain with my family. To protect myself from the pain, I withdrew from my family. I stopped opening up to them; I stopped spending time with them. Friends were safer.

As I was protecting myself from the pain of being hurt and feeling abandoned, I was simultaneously abandoning those I loved in return. I was in denial. I thought I was the victim and needed to protect myself, but I was also the perpetrator in hurting my family by abandoning them.

Can you see the crazy cycle???? 

Experience hurt --> withdraw --> hurt others. 

Over and over and over again! 

Mind blowing.

God so graciously and gently removed the blindfold I was wearing and allowed me to see that I needed to take responsibility for my actions. I couldn't fully deal with and move on from my past experiences until I could face God's truth of what happened, instead of only seeing my perceived truth. Now I have slowly been able to repair relationships with my family. What a gift that is!

Freedom Session isn’t a magic program that broke me out of denial; God used this safe and specific environment to open my eyes to the truth.

My second biggest take-away was a change in my daily priorities and activity. I start most days with God, praying and reading the Bible. I am imperfectly choosing to have a good attitude and surrender my thoughts to God. I am learning to express my emotions, label them and actually feel them.

My life is more of a mess now than it was before! As my priorities are shifting, the image I tried so hard to create has some loose ends that are unraveling. But I am learning to be okay with that!

If the only thing I accomplish in a day (besides feeding and keeping my children alive) is spending time with God, then that day was successful. No more constant striving to complete tasks and have things to show.  No more focusing on the outer appearance of my life. My heart is what needs to change and grow.

I am eternally grateful that that though I was once blind, now I see. The sunglasses are off, I can see clearly!

Part 1 of 4: How Does One Live a Pain-Free Life? (Life Before Freedom Session)

To be honest, I don't have a complete answer to the question, "how does one live a pain-free life?".

But I do know how one makes a mess of trying to avoid pain.

In my life I have experienced great pain and deep hurts. (If you haven't experienced these things, please tell me your secret!) I know what it feels like to be betrayed, abandoned, rejected, offended, belittled, disappointed. I'm sure you know that pain too. I remember the first time I had my heart broken. I felt it literally stop beating and for that split second I wondered if I might just die right there on the spot.

You know what the killer is though? Worse than the pain of heartbreak? It's that silent vow I made to myself that I would never let another person hurt me like that again. From that moment on, every decision, behavior, and relationship would stem from that vow that I wasn't even consciously aware I had made. That is a dangerous place to live from.

Pain is a funny thing. It is completely subjective. It all depends on how we interpret and internalize the events that determines how much pain we feel. If it hurts you, it's important. It is not something to be pushed to the side.

But who wants to think about that pain? Who actually wants to remember it, to feel it, to be stuck on it? Certainly not me.

For years I did many things to help me deal with the issues in my life, because I didn't want to be a "terrible person" who had a lot of problems. I tried to devote everything in my life to God, I did Bible studies, and I prayed a lot. I wanted God to just take everything bad away, help me forget it all. But if I was honest with myself, despite trying to follow God, I still did whatever I could to avoid feeling pain.

Trying harder. Being better. Not letting anything get to me. Being stronger. Controlling more. Avoiding. Suppressing.

I remember when my parents' divorce was finalized. I was looking forward to that day because that would be the end of a painful period in my life, and now everyone could move on. We would all have closure. That evening however, as I sat amidst loved friends doing a Bible study, I was the farthest thing from happy. I was overwhelmed with sadness and caught completely off guard.

It could have been so simple: tell the nice friends around me that I am sad and they can pray for me and be there for me. But to me it was not that simple. To me, I would do anything before I would feel that pain, let alone allow everyone else to see that I was in pain. My parents had separated years before, shouldn't I be over this by now???

I couldn't pay attention to what we were talking about because the only thing consuming my mind was that my parents' marriage was officially over. I had to get out of there, make the emotions stop. I went into the kitchen and frantically started emptying the dishwasher.

Emptying the dishwasher is not a bad thing; in fact, it is a very good and necessary thing. BUT, when emptying the dishwasher becomes a distraction allowing someone to suppress their pain and avoid feeling, it can be a bad thing in that moment.

This is only one example of the many times I stuffed my emotions down and pushed the thoughts from my mind. But as time went on, I noticed bursts of anger, bitter feelings, unhealthy thoughts, even mean behaviors that I couldn't control.

I knew something had to change. 

Dependent Living

Two weeks ago I played soccer with my sister's competitive team during a tournament. They were short on players and I was feeling fairly fit (after having Cosette five months earlier) and missed playing a sport, badly. Two disclaimers: I wasn't as fit as I thought I was, and I thought I was signing up for her recreational team instead of the competitive one.

Needless to say, I was very excited to play my first game of soccer in five years. I packed my soccer bag, changed into all my cool soccer apparel, spend half an hour stretching, and went to the field with my water AND Gatorade. We played the first half and I realized just how out of shape I actually was. But, with a little pep talk from the coach, I went back on the field for the second half full of renewed hope and stamina. Literally minutes into the second half, the world ended. My world ended. I was running toward the other team's goalie, trying to intercept the ball that was being passed up from my teammate when I kind of collided with the other team's defenceman. I stepped on her foot, my ankle went sideways, I heard (and felt) a crunch, and fell to the ground.

I thought about getting up right away, but the pain told me I could do no such thing. They stopped the game, the coach came running, and I kept thinking, "Oh no, why did this happen?".
At first it didn't seem so bad. I walked off the field with help from the coach and I exclaimed, "It's starting to feel better!"

By the time the game was done (we lost anyway), I had a ball of swelling on the outside of my left ankle and I had to be carried to the car. Hours of RICE (Rest, Ice, Compress, Elevate) later and a trip to Urgent Care had me realizing that the injury was pretty bad. I couldn't walk, couldn't do anything for myself, and certainly couldn't take care of my five month-old and almost three year-old. I felt completely helpless.

The doctor had said that after a few days I could start walking on it again, and after two weeks I would be able to walk normally. The full recovery, however, would take four to six weeks! Yikes.
I was still optimistic at this point. The first few days were spent sitting with my leg up, taking strong pain killers and watching as my family took over the children and house duties. I kept thinking, "Any day now my ankle will start healing and I'll be able to walk". That was two weeks ago...

Today, I am in the exact same place I was. Still not walking. Still in pain. Still not doing anything around the house. Still unable to care for my two beautiful little girls. What. The. Heck.??

It is plain to see that nothing has gone the way I imagined or wanted it to. What kind of a mother am I if I can't take care of my kids? What kind of a daughter am I if my own mother has to take two weeks off work to do everything around my house? What kind of a person am I if I have nothing to offer anybody, and all I do is need help for everything? Talk about feeling helpless, useless and a burden to others.

This morning I read Matthew 6:11 - "Give us today our daily bread."

God doesn't show us how our lives will unfold. Nor does He give us everything we need for this life in one shot. He wants us to be DEPENDENT on Him. He gives us what we need for each day. We need to trust Him with each step. He is everything we need, but if He gave us too much, we wouldn't need Him. He wants us to need Him, that is how we have a relationship with Him. If we were fully independent, we wouldn't need God. We wouldn't have time for Him; We wouldn't even think about Him for the most part.

Dependent living is contrary to the way the world is set up. Today, we are supposed to have everything together, be thriving, be completely independent and have much to offer. That isn't what God wants for us though; God never wants us to be independent from Him.

I am learning to depend more on God, and most of the time I strongly dislike it. Everything in me wants to have it all together and not need God. These past two weeks have shot down my pride, and made me see that I cannot possibly do everything alone.

But God's way is the best. In these past two weeks, I have had family members giving up entire days to take care of my kids. I have had friends and church family making meals for us, taking Brielle to the park, and praying for us. Wow. I don't deserve all of the help, but that doesn't matter. God loves me despite not having it all together.

Thank you to everyone helping us. We cannot do it alone. We are all dependent on each other.