Part 2 of 4: Life-Changing Take-Aways (What I Learned from Freedom Session)

Next week I will finally explain what the program “Freedom Session” is in more detail, but for now, here is the best part.

Have you ever been in denial? What about being in so much denial that you don't even know you are in denial? Welcome to my life :)

This is the first and biggest thing I learned from Freedom Session. I was in so much denial that it took me till the end of the program to continue getting out of denial. I’m still not done.  I was so wrapped up in being the victim. Yes, I have been hurt by people, (see Part 1), but that is where I pitched my tent. I was in denial about the fact that as I was being hurt, I was also hurting others.

How was I hurting others without being aware of it?

I was a young teenager. I experienced big changes in family dynamics, living situations, and people in and out of my life.

Any change involves some amount of pain: Losing weight involves the physical pain of exercising. Developing the healthy habit of patience involves a number of excruciating circumstances in which your patience is tested. Moving across the country involves the pain of initial loneliness.

Because the changes in my life were painful, and involved my family, I associated the pain with my family. To protect myself from the pain, I withdrew from my family. I stopped opening up to them; I stopped spending time with them. Friends were safer.

As I was protecting myself from the pain of being hurt and feeling abandoned, I was simultaneously abandoning those I loved in return. I was in denial. I thought I was the victim and needed to protect myself, but I was also the perpetrator in hurting my family by abandoning them.

Can you see the crazy cycle???? 

Experience hurt --> withdraw --> hurt others. 

Over and over and over again! 

Mind blowing.

God so graciously and gently removed the blindfold I was wearing and allowed me to see that I needed to take responsibility for my actions. I couldn't fully deal with and move on from my past experiences until I could face God's truth of what happened, instead of only seeing my perceived truth. Now I have slowly been able to repair relationships with my family. What a gift that is!

Freedom Session isn’t a magic program that broke me out of denial; God used this safe and specific environment to open my eyes to the truth.

My second biggest take-away was a change in my daily priorities and activity. I start most days with God, praying and reading the Bible. I am imperfectly choosing to have a good attitude and surrender my thoughts to God. I am learning to express my emotions, label them and actually feel them.

My life is more of a mess now than it was before! As my priorities are shifting, the image I tried so hard to create has some loose ends that are unraveling. But I am learning to be okay with that!

If the only thing I accomplish in a day (besides feeding and keeping my children alive) is spending time with God, then that day was successful. No more constant striving to complete tasks and have things to show.  No more focusing on the outer appearance of my life. My heart is what needs to change and grow.

I am eternally grateful that that though I was once blind, now I see. The sunglasses are off, I can see clearly!

Part 1 of 4: How Does One Live a Pain-Free Life? (Life Before Freedom Session)

To be honest, I don't have a complete answer to the question, "how does one live a pain-free life?".

But I do know how one makes a mess of trying to avoid pain.

In my life I have experienced great pain and deep hurts. (If you haven't experienced these things, please tell me your secret!) I know what it feels like to be betrayed, abandoned, rejected, offended, belittled, disappointed. I'm sure you know that pain too. I remember the first time I had my heart broken. I felt it literally stop beating and for that split second I wondered if I might just die right there on the spot.

You know what the killer is though? Worse than the pain of heartbreak? It's that silent vow I made to myself that I would never let another person hurt me like that again. From that moment on, every decision, behavior, and relationship would stem from that vow that I wasn't even consciously aware I had made. That is a dangerous place to live from.

Pain is a funny thing. It is completely subjective. It all depends on how we interpret and internalize the events that determines how much pain we feel. If it hurts you, it's important. It is not something to be pushed to the side.

But who wants to think about that pain? Who actually wants to remember it, to feel it, to be stuck on it? Certainly not me.

For years I did many things to help me deal with the issues in my life, because I didn't want to be a "terrible person" who had a lot of problems. I tried to devote everything in my life to God, I did Bible studies, and I prayed a lot. I wanted God to just take everything bad away, help me forget it all. But if I was honest with myself, despite trying to follow God, I still did whatever I could to avoid feeling pain.

Trying harder. Being better. Not letting anything get to me. Being stronger. Controlling more. Avoiding. Suppressing.

I remember when my parents' divorce was finalized. I was looking forward to that day because that would be the end of a painful period in my life, and now everyone could move on. We would all have closure. That evening however, as I sat amidst loved friends doing a Bible study, I was the farthest thing from happy. I was overwhelmed with sadness and caught completely off guard.

It could have been so simple: tell the nice friends around me that I am sad and they can pray for me and be there for me. But to me it was not that simple. To me, I would do anything before I would feel that pain, let alone allow everyone else to see that I was in pain. My parents had separated years before, shouldn't I be over this by now???

I couldn't pay attention to what we were talking about because the only thing consuming my mind was that my parents' marriage was officially over. I had to get out of there, make the emotions stop. I went into the kitchen and frantically started emptying the dishwasher.

Emptying the dishwasher is not a bad thing; in fact, it is a very good and necessary thing. BUT, when emptying the dishwasher becomes a distraction allowing someone to suppress their pain and avoid feeling, it can be a bad thing in that moment.

This is only one example of the many times I stuffed my emotions down and pushed the thoughts from my mind. But as time went on, I noticed bursts of anger, bitter feelings, unhealthy thoughts, even mean behaviors that I couldn't control.

I knew something had to change.