Two weeks ago I played soccer with my sister's competitive team during a tournament. They were short on players and I was feeling fairly fit (after having Cosette five months earlier) and missed playing a sport, badly. Two disclaimers: I wasn't as fit as I thought I was, and I thought I was signing up for her recreational team instead of the competitive one.
Needless to say, I was very excited to play my first game of soccer in five years. I packed my soccer bag, changed into all my cool soccer apparel, spend half an hour stretching, and went to the field with my water AND Gatorade. We played the first half and I realized just how out of shape I actually was. But, with a little pep talk from the coach, I went back on the field for the second half full of renewed hope and stamina. Literally minutes into the second half, the world ended. My world ended. I was running toward the other team's goalie, trying to intercept the ball that was being passed up from my teammate when I kind of collided with the other team's defenceman. I stepped on her foot, my ankle went sideways, I heard (and felt) a crunch, and fell to the ground.
I thought about getting up right away, but the pain told me I could do no such thing. They stopped the game, the coach came running, and I kept thinking, "Oh no, why did this happen?".
At first it didn't seem so bad. I walked off the field with help from the coach and I exclaimed, "It's starting to feel better!"
By the time the game was done (we lost anyway), I had a ball of swelling on the outside of my left ankle and I had to be carried to the car. Hours of RICE (Rest, Ice, Compress, Elevate) later and a trip to Urgent Care had me realizing that the injury was pretty bad. I couldn't walk, couldn't do anything for myself, and certainly couldn't take care of my five month-old and almost three year-old. I felt completely helpless.
The doctor had said that after a few days I could start walking on it again, and after two weeks I would be able to walk normally. The full recovery, however, would take four to six weeks! Yikes.
I was still optimistic at this point. The first few days were spent sitting with my leg up, taking strong pain killers and watching as my family took over the children and house duties. I kept thinking, "Any day now my ankle will start healing and I'll be able to walk". That was two weeks ago...
Today, I am in the exact same place I was. Still not walking. Still in pain. Still not doing anything around the house. Still unable to care for my two beautiful little girls. What. The. Heck.??
It is plain to see that nothing has gone the way I imagined or wanted it to. What kind of a mother am I if I can't take care of my kids? What kind of a daughter am I if my own mother has to take two weeks off work to do everything around my house? What kind of a person am I if I have nothing to offer anybody, and all I do is need help for everything? Talk about feeling helpless, useless and a burden to others.
This morning I read Matthew 6:11 - "Give us today our daily bread."
God doesn't show us how our lives will unfold. Nor does He give us everything we need for this life in one shot. He wants us to be DEPENDENT on Him. He gives us what we need for each day. We need to trust Him with each step. He is everything we need, but if He gave us too much, we wouldn't need Him. He wants us to need Him, that is how we have a relationship with Him. If we were fully independent, we wouldn't need God. We wouldn't have time for Him; We wouldn't even think about Him for the most part.
Dependent living is contrary to the way the world is set up. Today, we are supposed to have everything together, be thriving, be completely independent and have much to offer. That isn't what God wants for us though; God never wants us to be independent from Him.
I am learning to depend more on God, and most of the time I strongly dislike it. Everything in me wants to have it all together and not need God. These past two weeks have shot down my pride, and made me see that I cannot possibly do everything alone.
But God's way is the best. In these past two weeks, I have had family members giving up entire days to take care of my kids. I have had friends and church family making meals for us, taking Brielle to the park, and praying for us. Wow. I don't deserve all of the help, but that doesn't matter. God loves me despite not having it all together.
Thank you to everyone helping us. We cannot do it alone. We are all dependent on each other.
